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IndigoStar
Member
Posts: 4

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"  "I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"  Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.  Talk about Dyson with death.

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

 

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

 

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

November 21, 2013 at 8:11 AM Flag Quote & Reply

ThereseWaneck
Member
Posts: 8

The first silly joke is so funny!

November 22, 2013 at 2:13 AM Flag Quote & Reply

IndigoStar
Member
Posts: 4

Here's another one. :)

First Christmas Joke.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

December 9, 2013 at 11:41 AM Flag Quote & Reply

IndigoStar
Member
Posts: 2

Always check before you act :P

Two female teachers took a group of students from Grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse.

When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees'

to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

 

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

 

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'

December 16, 2013 at 12:36 PM Flag Quote & Reply

ThereseWaneck
Member
Posts: 8

What a surprise!

September 16, 2014 at 8:58 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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